Saturday, September 29, 2007

One month in....

Well, I have officially lived in the state of Florida for one whole month. Granted I have only been with electricity and living in my condo for 3 weeks, it has been a month since I left Ohio. I am going back on Thursday. Saturday afternoon is Heather's wedding then I am taking the entire week to get as much of my thesis finished as possiblw while I have the aid of my advisor and my committee. Then it is Homecoming weekend at OU the the ladies are coming back so I am sticking around. Things are going alright here. I finally got myself to the physsical therapist which was awesome. Her name is Joy. The place uses these pilates machines and other unconvential stuff for therapy and I think it will be a good thing for me. Also, Joy said there is a small chance that the muscles in my back are still contracted and are pinching or irritating my nerve which would be causing my leg to still be numb. She said we are going to do out best to get things back to normal. I am feeling better about it. Right now I am in Miami visiting Jen. We have been catching up on episodes of Weeds and Californication since I no loner have Showtime and we are both feeling a little under the weather. Sometimes I just wish I knew when I was doing the wrong thing or not doing the right thing. Does that make sense?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


Sometimes I ask too many questions.
I apologize too much.
I often show emotion at the wrong time or don't show it enough.
I have a really thick and high wall around me.
It can be broken down, slowly but surely.

Every time I let the wall down, I get hurt. Every time the wall goes back up, it becomes thicker and taller making it harder to break down. I want to do everything well. I don't play competitive sports unless I am good at them because I am too competitive. I even compete with myself. Sometimes this is not a bad thing. Sometimes it makes me hold higher standards for myself, sometimes it is detrimental. Who knows why I do it. I wish I did. All I know is that there is SO much change in my life and all I am trying to do is find myself....again.

Nothing is set in stone. Things can be changed. I just want to be a better person. I want to feel like everything I have worked for has been worth it. I want to feel like these huge decisions in my life were the right thing to do. I need a sign and all I am getting right now are things happening in my life that make me question everything. I need to grasp. I need to understand.

My mother was a teacher. She taught mentally disabled children. She loved them. She talks about them all the time and how much they changed her life. Maybe it is because my mother is so inquisitive that I ask so many questions. Maybe it is because I was raised by a teacher that I learned to question everything. A few years ago my mother gave me a little notebook with "Words I Don't Know" written on the front. She told me whenever I am reading something and read a word I don't understand that I should write it in the book, find the definition, and write it down. I love my little book of words. I feel like a total nerd so I rarely take it out around friends, but it is usually in my bag.

I have been in Florida for 6 days. I feel like I have been here for weeks. I feel like I am sitting around and waiting for things to happen to me. I know that there are so many things I could do right now. I have a thesis to write. I need to find a job. I need to find a career. This thesis is sucking the life out of me. It looms constantly. I don't want to be like Brian and never finish my thesis. I worked too hard for 2 years to finish my class work. Why did I have to develop these health problems this year? Why was it me? 1 in 100,000 people get a blood clot from Factor 5 Leiden this early in life. Why was I the one? Why did I sleep funny the night I ruptured a disc in my lower back? Why have I lost feeling in half of my left leg? What can I do to make it better? These are questions constantly swirling in my head. I was hoping by writing them down that I will be able to let go. Let go of things I cannot control.

I need to write more. I need to put together my memoirs from high school. Maybe I will finish the book I have started writing so many times. I love my life. I love the people that have stuck with my through thick and thin. I love my family. I love that my mother is finally starting to understand that we will never know one another unless we both ask how the other is doing. I love my father for being the most patient person in the world. I love my brother for wanting to help and doing his best to do whatever he can for me. I just want to love myself. Is that too much to ask for. I was talking to Allison the other day about how I only have thirty something days until Heather's wedding and needed to get on the weight-loss train. She said, "I wish you were not always concerned with that. You are beautiful no matter what." That i so hard to hear when I don't really believe it. I guess I have to embrace myself.

This move will be good for me. I will make the changes I have been working on for so long. I have a clean slate here. I have my ultra conservative and very republican family and they may not be exactly what I would hope for in an understanding family, but they are my family nonetheless. We all have our differences. As long as there is an equal amount of respect on each side, there is beauty in differences.

Today will be a good day. I am one step closer to having everything situated in the condo. I am one step closer to finishing my thesis. I am one step closer to feeling like all of this was done for a reason. I just have to believe that going through all the bullshit and strife will be worth it in the end. The end may be farther than I would like, but if I squint my eyes and look hard enough, I can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Monday, April 23, 2007

High Heels and Desks

This morning I woke up with a smile on my face. It has been a while since that has happened. Things in Ohio have been running me down and all I can think about it getting out of here every chance I get. Athens used to hold a special place in my heart and I imagine it will once again after I have left my legacy behind. Everyone in this town wants to change the world. Many of them are able to change it.......some just give up once the magical power of this place has vanished. I refuse to let this pace wear me down any longer. I refuse to let life slip by when I have plenty of time to accomplish the goals I set for myself when I got here. I will finish my thesis and when I walk across that stage in June, I will know I was able to make this a good experience. My health will return and I will be able to move on with my life and become the woman I know I am capable of being. New outlook on life. New determination.....with a vengeance.